I was originally going to write about our upcoming group discussion Why Can’t We Commit? However, due to my experiences this past week I decided to write about a different topic, more interesting than talking about commitment. So, let’s get into it… shall we?
Last week, I had a few experiences that really made me think about the topic of worthlessness in a different way. I can’t put a solid figure on it but I can tell you that it is a very uncomfortable, gut wrenching feeling that sparks real anxiety within me.
Put it like this, I am a creative, hard-working, reliable, and passionate lover of life. However, with all of these qualities that I possess and more, I still feel like shit! Sometimes, the darn shit on the pavement gets stuck to the bottom of somebody’s shoe. Deep, right? I'm not done yet. I have exhausted myself endlessly to fit into boxes that I don’t belong in. Engaged with people that I feel only know the surface me, but not the hell I go through and the emotional barriers that I battle with daily. You see, I'm saying all of this not to have a pity party, but to state I am not the only one going through this. Sometimes it’s a regulated feeling sparked by the environments within. I'm just giving voice to my pain .
Last week, my demons came out to play, but the biggest demon was the one of worthlessness. I engaged in a conversation that not only brought up my worthlessness but all of the things that keep me up at night. Granted some of the points that were made within the conversation were fair, but the points resurrected a feeling that I have felt before over and over again. I tried to overcome those feelings but I have come to accept that you can never truly overcome them; you just have to react in a different way, with the next time being more constructive than the time before.
After the conversation, I even had more demons that came to play. Hopelessness, fear, guilt, regret, and the list goes on. I was paralyzed, unable to do anything but to cry myself to sleep and hope that this emotion will go away. So, after a bottle of wine and some music, I finally went the HELL to sleep, only to wake up in the same state that I was in before. Defeated. I can’t shake this feeling off. All the gurus, self-help books, and motivational videos in the world won’t bring me out of this mood. “Think of where you want to be; envision it “, as they say. I can't. It’s pressing in my thoughts and I now am looking to deal with it in another way.
This entry is a page straight out of my diary of being human. It does not matter how accomplished you are, how intelligent or strong-willed; this feeling can creep in at any point in your life. Especially when you are a leader in any capacity. Here are the two things I discovered these past few days:
Worthlessness is a learned behavior
we mirror the environments that we’ve lived in. At one point, there was an external factor that made you have this feeling of worthlessness. Let's go through some examples: the system you live within, your job, relationships, education, friends and even family. We believe this lie that we made. We mask our pain with smiles and positive thoughts. We rarely get to the root of what is really going on in our subconscious. It presses on your thoughts and puts you in a deeper mind web. It happens so regularly that it becomes an unconscious thing. When it's unconscious, you project the same emotions into the next situation and the cycle continues. In a way, it kind of makes sense due to the state of our social environment. When you live in a world where surviving is the only thing you can do from one point to the next, your response will always be a reflection of that.
Worthlessness is a form of trauma
Trauma tends to be a tricky word to me. Most of us experience trauma at one point in our life whether it is conscious or not. You see, we talk about trauma when it is extreme. Violence, rape, etc... But I've seen many types of daily traumas, “small” things that would have you rethink your life. A good example is lack of acknowledgement. I talk about this in a video but I don't think people understand. Ask someone about their day before listing your demands. It doesn't matter how close friends you are or how strong your relationship is, it is the right thing to do. Time is a very funny thing, and at any given moment, it could be our last breath. Let it sink in… When you fail to acknowledge someone, after a while that person starts to have feelings of worthlessness.
• Feeling worthless is an external projection. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
• Learn how to sit with this feeling and discover its origin. The only way to move past something is through understanding.
• When you have this feeling it’s time to adjust some things in your life. Take inventory of what's working and what isn’t.
• Lastly, you are not alone! I have done a lot of self work through the years and these feelings still creep in. Trust me, you are not the only one going through this.
Well, this is all I have for you. Time to put my life in rehab. I have some cleaning to do. Til the next entry.